“You know, when Dee was Mikkel’s age, that’s exactly what he did. He ran. He stopped all treatments, burned every bridge. And went off by himself to either make it in music or die.”
The comparison to an injured animal was apt.
“He’s never been very good at hiding, though. He’s more the injured animal that bites back. Ferociously. Loudly.” Jay shook his head. “He’s worked through a lot of his anger since we started dating. But a lot of the fear is still there. I used to worry about him running more than I did about him dying. But at least now… he runs to me.”
Running might have technically been a stretch. Dee couldn’t really run anymore. And while he could technically still die, he was actively doing things to treat his condition now. Despite his fears.
Jay saw Mikkel the same way. There were likely some things those two would never truly work through. Some scars that would never really heal.
“Dee and I will watch out for those triggers.” Jay finally brought it around again. “But as you said… something could still happen. Even I’ve triggered Dee on occasion. And I know him better than anyone at this point. I’m sorry in advance if it does.”
Ansgar sighed. "I wish Mikkel ran for something as positive as going for his dreams."
There's a worried look that passes Ansgar's expression and a nearly uncomfortable silence. "If my brother turns on someone to bite, run. He hates fighting and confrontation. When he does those himself he believes he's about to die, literally die in that moment and will fight like that is what is at stake. It's better for everyone if he runs."
He shook his head. "Mikkel doesn't run to anyone. Half he doesn't trust and the other half, he'd worry going to them means they will be injured too. That's why he runs so much."
He knew it was possible. He'd lost track of how many people Mikkel had fought with, got upset with, over time. Sigurd still weathered the brunt of it because he was foolish, or courageous, enough to hold on when the kid imploded.
"The big thing to remember with Mikkel is people not being calm can easily be interpreted as real physical danger. Even Sigurd getting upset at other people to protect him has set him off."
‘I will do this or die trying’ always sounds so positive until the ‘die trying’ becomes a literal reality. It was a double-edged sword that Jay rarely admitted to being scared of.
He’d made unbreakable promises to Dee to essentially let him die. Those promises held up their entire relationship in a way, because they served as the literal foundation of Dee’s trust in him. For most people, mourning someone came at the end of a relationship. Jay did this entirely in reverse.
He looked up at Ansgar as the younger man broke the silence. He listened intently, taking it in.
“Not calm - is that only anger, or would feelings of intense anxiety be a trigger too?” He asked for clarification.
"Anger is the worst." Ansgar knew that was truth and it was anyone's anger, sometimes directed toward anyone. "Billy surprised Rik to tickle him and he screamed. Some days that is enough."
Ansgar shook his head. "He's so mature and together. Has all these people who love him. It's easy to forget he's fragile and that most of his life he's been hurt and alone." That was something Ansgar struggled with and played a huge part in his alcoholism. He couldn't be there for his baby brother. At his worst he blamed himself for it happening.
Ansgar needed to get out of these thoughts and glanced toward the bedroom, pointing and shaking his head. "That means a lot. I know he's watching over Dee like he used to Rik but it means he trusts him and that doesn't come easy or often."
Jay subtly nudged the strawberries closer to Ansgar as a distraction from those destructive feelings.
As he turned his attention back to the master bedroom, he sighed with a soft smile. “The best things in life often don’t. That’s why it’s so important to appreciate them while we can.”
Jay raised a finger to his lips, and motioned Ansgar to follow. The door was still ajar, so it wasn't hard to peek inside. After being up in the bathroom most of the night, Dee was finally sleeping peacefully.
Ansgar followed along and smiled at his brother curled up beside the American.
The Dane spoke quietly. "He sleeps light. If Dee needs anything he'll wake up." Ansgar internally hoped Mikkel's time sleeping besides others would make him less jumpy when woke up. He assumed so since Sigurd and Fredrik hadn't mentioned it.
"You're stuck with him now." The Dane grinned, teasing, but it was true. Once Mikkel liked someone it was hard to get rid of him.
Of course, he'd much rather be the one cuddling with his fiance in his own bed, but he didn't want to wake them either. So Jay carefully pulled the door closed.
Yawning, he just shook his head. "I think I'm stuck sleeping on the couch today."
Ansgar smiled and shook his head. He wasn't going to be going back to the apartments any time.
"I might have to join you." Ansgar was used to sleeping around a lot of people. Whether it was Rik and Mikkel climbing into his bed, and Fredrik sometimes, or all the people who climbed into bed with him and Torden when they were sleeping. Platonic affection was natural to Ansgar as was the idea of platonic bedmates.
Jay might not be cuddling when he went to sleep but there was no guarantee he wouldn't wake up with a Dane cuddling with him. Ansgar, like the other Soerens, didn't really like sleeping alone. He might wake up just enough to find someone to snuggle with for comfort.
It took a few minutes to gather some spare bedding, but soon, Jay draped a spare blanket on the opposite side of the sectional, and put a pillow facing the end by the door. He settled in on the couch with his head all the way on the other end of the L (feet pointing at his drummer's feet).
If that didn't send a clear message of not intending to cuddle, Jay wasn't sure how to break it to Ansgar.
The only person he wanted to actually cuddle with was Dee. And right now, someone else was doing that. In his bed, no less. He was being accommodating, but that was only going to go so far.
He wouldn't intentionally cuddle with someone who wasn't happy with it. This was an instinct and long term trauma. Being alone was a vulnerability to be avoided. Even here in the safety far from Denmark those feelings didn't fade.
With no one to cuddle and no safety. He may well end up on the floor curled in a ball, under a table and completely covered with the blanket.
Or, he might very well end up in Jay's bed. Or perhaps even with Mikkel on the other side of the couch.
Because at some point in the morning, Dee awoke to realize Jay wasn't there, and carefully crept out of bed to find him. Before climbing on the couch with him, the way they often did the afternoons he got his infusions.
Whether that woke Jay, who was likely already tired from a long shift, was a toss up. But nevertheless, he'd be smiling in his sleep at the feeling of Dee's body on top of his.
It may or may not have been snoring that woke Dee. Sometimes, when he slept in a weird position, Mikkel did snore from a broken nose that happened quite a few years ago.
Being alone in a bed will definitely have the other Dane coming out, though he isn't as indiscriminate as his brother when it comes to finding someone to sleep with, call it innate paranoia. Which means now both of the Danes are under the blanket, under the table, in a ball that seems way too small for both of them to be down there. The two snuggled so close because being tiny and unnoticeable was the safest way to sleep.
In the end, it was the snoring that pulled both Dee and Jay from their shared slumber.
“Did they show themselves out?” He mumbled groggily, looking up at the empty side of the couch.
“…I don’t think so.” Dee whispered back, nodding to the blanket sticking out from under their large square coffee table. (Which, of course, was piled high with Dee’s notebooks and everything else he’d left lying all over the couch the day before.)
Trying not to wake them, Jay quietly whispered, “how are you feeling?”
“A little better…” Dee whispered back.
“Hungry?”
“Not really.” He shook his head, nuzzling back against Jay.
Jay expected that answer, after the night his fiancé had. Still, he whispered, “I’ll make some soup broth later…”
He glanced down. “and maybe go buy some sleeping bags.”
As they spoke there's a grouchiness about them talking from the younger Dane. It's followed instantly by Danish, quiet scolding, and grouching from Mikkel. Eventually, the younger Dane wiggles around and goes back to sleep.
Ansgar poked his head out from under that table. He whispered up to them. "Sorry he's being a brat."
The boy could be bratty, even half asleep, but he didn't mean to be. Ansgar figured his brother was starting to miss his partner and they might have to leave soon so Mikkel's attitude didn't start getting sour, though, maybe he would sleep a little longer.
“What are you guys doing under there?” The confused guitarist asked, perhaps a little too bluntly. He was also still half-asleep.
He couldn’t remember the last time he moved the large coffee table to vacuum the rug under it. He honestly never expected anyone to use it as a tent. Or something akin to a pillow fort.
Ansgar slowly slid out if Mikkel's grip and out from under the table to sit in the space between the tabl and the couch.
"He's always slept under things." Ansgar shrugged. "I started to over time too."
The Dane wasn't about to go into why. He knew his brother's quirks and apparently neither of his partners minded them. A grin blossomed on the blonde's face. "I wonder if Sigurd has to deal with him and Fredrik under his bed?"
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oprorsk_sode) wrote2021-11-04 12:54 am
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“You know, when Dee was Mikkel’s age, that’s exactly what he did. He ran. He stopped all treatments, burned every bridge. And went off by himself to either make it in music or die.”
The comparison to an injured animal was apt.
“He’s never been very good at hiding, though. He’s more the injured animal that bites back. Ferociously. Loudly.” Jay shook his head. “He’s worked through a lot of his anger since we started dating. But a lot of the fear is still there. I used to worry about him running more than I did about him dying. But at least now… he runs to me.”
Running might have technically been a stretch. Dee couldn’t really run anymore. And while he could technically still die, he was actively doing things to treat his condition now. Despite his fears.
Jay saw Mikkel the same way. There were likely some things those two would never truly work through. Some scars that would never really heal.
“Dee and I will watch out for those triggers.” Jay finally brought it around again. “But as you said… something could still happen. Even I’ve triggered Dee on occasion. And I know him better than anyone at this point. I’m sorry in advance if it does.”
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There's a worried look that passes Ansgar's expression and a nearly uncomfortable silence. "If my brother turns on someone to bite, run. He hates fighting and confrontation. When he does those himself he believes he's about to die, literally die in that moment and will fight like that is what is at stake. It's better for everyone if he runs."
He shook his head. "Mikkel doesn't run to anyone. Half he doesn't trust and the other half, he'd worry going to them means they will be injured too. That's why he runs so much."
He knew it was possible. He'd lost track of how many people Mikkel had fought with, got upset with, over time. Sigurd still weathered the brunt of it because he was foolish, or courageous, enough to hold on when the kid imploded.
"The big thing to remember with Mikkel is people not being calm can easily be interpreted as real physical danger. Even Sigurd getting upset at other people to protect him has set him off."
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He’d made unbreakable promises to Dee to essentially let him die. Those promises held up their entire relationship in a way, because they served as the literal foundation of Dee’s trust in him. For most people, mourning someone came at the end of a relationship. Jay did this entirely in reverse.
He looked up at Ansgar as the younger man broke the silence. He listened intently, taking it in.
“Not calm - is that only anger, or would feelings of intense anxiety be a trigger too?” He asked for clarification.
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Ansgar shook his head. "He's so mature and together. Has all these people who love him. It's easy to forget he's fragile and that most of his life he's been hurt and alone." That was something Ansgar struggled with and played a huge part in his alcoholism. He couldn't be there for his baby brother. At his worst he blamed himself for it happening.
Ansgar needed to get out of these thoughts and glanced toward the bedroom, pointing and shaking his head. "That means a lot. I know he's watching over Dee like he used to Rik but it means he trusts him and that doesn't come easy or often."
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As he turned his attention back to the master bedroom, he sighed with a soft smile. “The best things in life often don’t. That’s why it’s so important to appreciate them while we can.”
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The idea of those two curled up and sleeping was undeniably adorable.
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Jay raised a finger to his lips, and motioned Ansgar to follow. The door was still ajar, so it wasn't hard to peek inside. After being up in the bathroom most of the night, Dee was finally sleeping peacefully.
It really was undeniably adorable.
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The Dane spoke quietly. "He sleeps light. If Dee needs anything he'll wake up." Ansgar internally hoped Mikkel's time sleeping besides others would make him less jumpy when woke up. He assumed so since Sigurd and Fredrik hadn't mentioned it.
"You're stuck with him now." The Dane grinned, teasing, but it was true. Once Mikkel liked someone it was hard to get rid of him.
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Yawning, he just shook his head. "I think I'm stuck sleeping on the couch today."
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"I might have to join you." Ansgar was used to sleeping around a lot of people. Whether it was Rik and Mikkel climbing into his bed, and Fredrik sometimes, or all the people who climbed into bed with him and Torden when they were sleeping. Platonic affection was natural to Ansgar as was the idea of platonic bedmates.
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And that was without cuddling. A large part of Jay's living room was covered by a large sectional. Two people could easily stretch out comfortably.
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If that didn't send a clear message of not intending to cuddle, Jay wasn't sure how to break it to Ansgar.
The only person he wanted to actually cuddle with was Dee. And right now, someone else was doing that. In his bed, no less. He was being accommodating, but that was only going to go so far.
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With no one to cuddle and no safety. He may well end up on the floor curled in a ball, under a table and completely covered with the blanket.
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Because at some point in the morning, Dee awoke to realize Jay wasn't there, and carefully crept out of bed to find him. Before climbing on the couch with him, the way they often did the afternoons he got his infusions.
Whether that woke Jay, who was likely already tired from a long shift, was a toss up. But nevertheless, he'd be smiling in his sleep at the feeling of Dee's body on top of his.
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Being alone in a bed will definitely have the other Dane coming out, though he isn't as indiscriminate as his brother when it comes to finding someone to sleep with, call it innate paranoia. Which means now both of the Danes are under the blanket, under the table, in a ball that seems way too small for both of them to be down there. The two snuggled so close because being tiny and unnoticeable was the safest way to sleep.
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“Did they show themselves out?” He mumbled groggily, looking up at the empty side of the couch.
“…I don’t think so.” Dee whispered back, nodding to the blanket sticking out from under their large square coffee table. (Which, of course, was piled high with Dee’s notebooks and everything else he’d left lying all over the couch the day before.)
Trying not to wake them, Jay quietly whispered, “how are you feeling?”
“A little better…” Dee whispered back.
“Hungry?”
“Not really.” He shook his head, nuzzling back against Jay.
Jay expected that answer, after the night his fiancé had. Still, he whispered, “I’ll make some soup broth later…”
He glanced down. “and maybe go buy some sleeping bags.”
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Ansgar poked his head out from under that table. He whispered up to them. "Sorry he's being a brat."
The boy could be bratty, even half asleep, but he didn't mean to be. Ansgar figured his brother was starting to miss his partner and they might have to leave soon so Mikkel's attitude didn't start getting sour, though, maybe he would sleep a little longer.
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He couldn’t remember the last time he moved the large coffee table to vacuum the rug under it. He honestly never expected anyone to use it as a tent. Or something akin to a pillow fort.
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"He's always slept under things." Ansgar shrugged. "I started to over time too."
The Dane wasn't about to go into why. He knew his brother's quirks and apparently neither of his partners minded them. A grin blossomed on the blonde's face. "I wonder if Sigurd has to deal with him and Fredrik under his bed?"